


these small hours, they still remain

by hanekawa



Category: Gattaca (1997)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-21
Updated: 2011-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-27 17:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanekawa/pseuds/hanekawa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don’t regret it – not then, and most especially, not now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	these small hours, they still remain

  
.

.

Here’s the thing about being perfect: you wouldn’t know how _not_ to be one.

When you’ve spent nearly whole your life being told how perfect you are, that you’re such a fine specimen, that you’re always gonna be on top, that you’re always gonna be number one no matter what and that you’re practically gonna live forever – how would you deal with finding out you’re not as perfect as you’re told to believe?

You _don’t_ , that’s how.

-

Here’s the thing you want to say most but never do: please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave _me here alone_.

-

In the few weeks Vincent’s living with you, he has become the most constant thing in your life - such that he’s become the center of your universe, the sun to your planets, before you even realize what’s happening.

It’s rather ironic though, that when it comes down to it, your short time with Vincent is far more precious to you than the whole thirty-odd years worth of accomplishment you’ve been living.

  


-

  
Here’s how you define your life: _Before_ , and _After._

Once, Vincent—no, _Jerome_ , he’s Jerome now—asks you, “How do you define your life?”

So you tell him.

Even in your own mind, it sounds so stupid and cliché – to be using the accident that changed your life as the ground zero, as the parameter. But you just don’t know how to define it any other way.

Or perhaps you just don’t want to. You still can’t decide between the two.

“Why the accident, though?” Vincent asks. “Is it because it left you crippled, and therefore changed everything?”

“No.” You say. “More because that was the moment I _really_ realized I wasn’t perfect. After all, what fool couldn’t even manage his own suicide right?”

  


-

Here’s what you never do: _you never tell lies_. Ever.

 _Before_ , you didn’t tell lies because you were such a perfect little kid, always doing what he was told. Always followed the rules and not a single toe out of line unless you were ordered to do so.

Being so perfect you were practically above reproach, you were cruel in your truth, brutal in your honesty – such that you only had few friends. You told everything as it was, because that was how you were taught. Because that was how you were supposed to act.

Because that was the only way you know how to be.

 _After_ , you still don’t tell lies. Not out of obligation, nor because it’s become a habit, no. You tell everything as it is, because you have nothing to lose – at all. Literally.

There’s family. No friends. No lovers. All the people you’re interacting with are, as Vincent so artlessly put it, the ones you pay.

You only have Vincent.

Since putting up with you is included in his contract, there would be no point for you to be anything but yourself. Especially since he’d also need to behave like you.

…or so you keep telling yourself.

But the truth? The truth is – _the truth is_ , you need somebody to accept you for who you are, with all your flaws and damages included, and Vincent is – Vincent could, and does, _understand._

So no, you never tell lies. Ever.

Except to yourself, that is.

  


-

Vincent says, “My heart is already ten thousand beats overdue.”

You say, “My life is unofficially over a year ago. In the accident.”

Vincent says, “You’re supposed to live forever – your gene result says so.”

You say, “How many heartbeats _ago_ did your gene say you’re gonna die anyway?”

Vincent says, “Doesn’t change the fact that this is not as it supposed to be.”

You say, “What, you’re bailing on me now? Just when you’re about to go up there, in space, in less than a week time?”

Vincent says, “That’s not the point.”

You say, “Really? I wasn’t aware there was ever any other point. Look, it’s simple: you go up, or you don’t. So which is it?”

As if there was any doubt in the first place.

  


-

Here’s the thing about being perfect: _it’s lonely_.

You’ve got no friends; only _competitors_ – those who thrive to get the same thing as you, and would want nothing more than to see you fall.

There’s no pat in the back; there’s no comforting touch; there’s no reassuring words, _there's nothing_.

When you’ve done well in school, all people say is, _of course, it’s already in his gene_.

When you win the swimming competition, all people say is _he has such a perfect combination of gene, isn’t he?_

When you’ve memorized all the dialogue in the school drama long before anyone else, all people say is _it’s only to be expected; after all, it’s already in his gene._

They don’t pay any attention to how much time you spend to study; they don’t think of how hard you’ve practiced your swimming; they don’t realize how many nights you’ve spent awake memorizing lines, when other children are peacefully asleep.

They dismiss all your hard work, and credit it to your _gene_.

How – how unfair is _that_?

  


-

Vincent sleeps with you, sometimes. Not in the biblical sense, of course. Only in the most basic sense.

When he thinks you’re asleep, he would sneak into your room, tuck you in properly and secure the covers around you, before he lets himself lie on top of the covers, facing you. Then he would watch you sleep, sometimes for hours, before he drifts off himself. Something about his heart condition makes him a light sleeper, and he would always be gone at the slightest sign of your waking up, no matter the time – leaving barely a hint to his presence there.

You only find this out much later, when one night you open your eyes, barely awake, your breathing pattern barely changes, to see his face right before yours.

You don’t know why he does this, nor care enough to find out. You’re only grateful that you’re not alone, even if you do still wake up to an empty bed.

You think he knows that you know. But so long as there’s no question, there would be no lies, and besides, you’re rather good at keeping things to yourself. You take comfort where you can, after all.

A week into his leaving, he starts to sleep with you _under_ the covers, and no longer bothers waking up before it’s time to wake up in the morning.

It makes you all warm and content and grateful and mortified and embarrassed all at the same time, to realize just how much you need this; to realize that he needs this as much as you do – and maybe even more.

To realize that he thinks you still have something to offer, despite the scattered remains of your self-worth on the floor.

Vincent finds his dream in the cells of your gene.

You find your _salvation_ in him.

  


-  


  
As the day of Vincent’s leaving keeps approaching, you find yourself thinking too much. Hard not to, since you’re more often by yourself, these days. Especially now that Irene has inserted herself in Vincent’s life, and, by proxy, your life.

Honestly? You’re amazed of her, really.

That despite your name and gene and accomplishment records, she still manages to find the real person underneath the persona; that she really loves Vincent for who he really is, and not for the name he’s using.

“Why?” you’ve asked her.

“Because he’s _him_ ,” Irene has replied. “And I’m _me_.”

It shouldn’t be enough, but it _is_.

  


-

Here’s the thing you would never admit to yourself: _you’re afraid of being alone._

When Vincent tells you he’s selected to go to Titan, you’ve spent hours holed up in your room, huddled under the protection of your blankets, where you pretend nothing could get you.

Including just how frightening your find the prospect of him leaving you is – despite knowing that is the exact reason he agreed to the contract at all: so he could go into space.

So why is it so hard to accept now, you _don’t have any idea._

…or just having a hard time admitting it.

You still can’t decide.

For a guy whose IQ’s supposed to go through the roof, you sure had a hard time deciding things.

  


-

Here’s the _truth_ about you, Jerome Eugene Morrow, that not everyone knows:

You’re right-handed. You’re also a neurotic asshole who couldn’t accept being less than perfect. After failing to win the first position on a swimming championship, you tried to kill yourself. You _failed_. Your parents are on the other side of the globe, aware neither of your location nor your well-being, and you had no intention to tell them. You volunteered for ‘ _de-gene-erate_ ’ program, also known as ‘ _borrowed ladder_ ’ program, just for kicks – because you _could_.

And guess what? You don’t regret it – not then, and most especially, not _now_ – when you finally could help an unfortunate man to reach his dream.

No, you don’t regret any of it – at all.

  


-

Here’s what you do in the last moment of your life:

You extract two lifetimes worth of your own blood and urine, and some hair for Vincent’s perusal once he gets back to Earth. You put a lock of your hair in a card as a going away present to Vincent. You pack away everything you own in boxes in your room, lock it, and throw away the key. You clean the makeshift lab in the basement and put everything back it its proper place.

Once everything is in proper order, you write a note for Vincent _(Jerome_ , he would be the _only_ Jerome Morrow once he gets back from Titan) and stick it on the fridge door.

_Dear Jerome, everything’s yours now._

_Love,  
Eugene_

Then you crawl into the burner, close the lid, and proceed to finish what you failed to do a year ago.

You’ve never felt more peaceful in your life.

  


-

Here’s the thing about being perfect: there’s no such thing as ‘ _perfect_ ’.

  
.

.

.

Fin.

  



End file.
